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 Baptizing his adopted grandchildren made Howard Vanderwell feel joyful …and uneasy. |
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The Case for Talking about Adoption in Worship
Text by Joan Huyser-Honig
Photography by Steve Huyser-Honig
Not talking about awkward emotions, say after infertility, pregnancy out of wedlock, or adoption, may seem kind. But it's better for churches to include adoption and related issues in baptisms, worship, and church life, say Howard Vanderwell and Ron Nydam.
Howard Vanderwell had a lump in his throat when he baptized two children from Haiti in July 2004. For one thing, he felt moved to know that this little boy and girl would become part of Hillcrest Christian Reformed Church, a Hudsonville, Michigan, congregation that already included children adopted from Guatemala, Haiti, Korea, and Liberia.
What's more, in baptizing Isaac Kenny and Abigail Midjina, he was baptizing his newest grandchildren—welcomed into the family of Tom and Cheryl Vanderwell and their three teen daughters.
“They came from the God's Little Angels orphanage in Haiti. They were age two and three when they arrived, not siblings, and had not met each other till adopted. But Isaac and Abby are firmly bonded siblings now,” their grandpa says.
Yet, for all the joy of baptism, Howard Vanderwell felt disquieted. “The needs of adoptees and their families are quite different from announcing a birth. I never felt we did justice to the situation. It kept rumbling in my heart as an unfinished agenda item that we need to find better ways to receive and assimilate them,” he says.
For decades, churches have been silent about people most affected by adoption—including birth parents, adoptees, infertile couples, and adoptive families. Now congregations and denominations are beginning to include these joys and concerns in worship.
 These streams flowing together remind us that baptism ushers us into God’s family. This woodcut is from Visuals for Worship by Elizabeth Steele Halstead. |
Wanting to do better led Vanderwell to develop two litanies about adoption. He wrote them in consultation with adoptive parents and John Wynbeek, director of international services at Bethany Christian Services in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
One litany is for baptizing an adopted child. The other litany is for marking an adoption without baptism.
In both litanies, the pastor reminds the congregation, “All of us, as a congregation, are children of God by grace and adoption.” The litanies include sections for the adoptees (if old enough), the parents, any siblings (if old enough), and the congregation to affirm the adoption.
The responsive prayer in each litany sets adoption in a larger context than one family's experience. The pastor and congregation petition God to:
- Bind everyone present together in love and nurture.
- Offer grace, healing, and confidence to parents who have relinquished children.
- Comfort married couples “who desire the gift of a child yet are disappointed.”
- Show mercy to those who wait in orphanages for someone to come and love them.
Each week Vanderwell and Norma de Waal Malefyt, both worship consultants, post a complete, new worship service plan. They're working on a series of resources that will include adoption in more worship contexts.
Celebrate God's view of adoption
 Baptism is a time to celebrate the way God chooses to add to a family, whether through biology or adoption. |
If you've never heard much about adoption in church and haven't thought much about it on your own, then chances are you've missed seeing what the Bible says about adoption.
Fellow believers often say to adoptive parents, “Too bad you couldn't have one of your own.” They assume that adoption is a “second best” choice, says John Van Regenmorter, chaplain at Bethany Christian Services and director of its infertility ministry, Stepping Stones.
But in the four places where the Bible uses the word “adopt,” it's always in a positive context. And when Pharaoh's daughter adopted Moses and Mordecai adopted Esther, those new family situations were clearly part of God's plan of deliverance for Israel.
In the family of God, Jesus is the only begotten son. The rest of us have been adopted into the family. Interestingly, Jesus was also adopted—by his earthly father, Joseph.
“Isn't this incredible? God chooses us to be his adopted children, not because he has to, but because he wants to….Whether one becomes a parent biologically or through adoption, the fact is that children are not a right—they are a gift from God,” Van Regenmorter writes in a Stepping Stones Newsletter.
Besides paying special attention to adoption during baptism, there are other easy ways to celebrate adoption in worship.
If your church normally displays a rose for every new birth, how about displaying one to celebrate each adoption as well? Pastors can preach on biblical passages about adoption. Those who lead prayer can specifically pray for adoptees and adoptive families. They can also thank God for adopting all of us.
 Steve Prince created "Still Born: Letter to the Fathers & Mothers" © 2006 Steve Prince | Eyekons |
Some churches put so much emphasis on family—and by that they mean a mom, a dad, and their biological kids—that they make other members feel there's no place for them.
Mother's Day can be especially painful for many churchgoers, say John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter in their book When the Cradle Is Empty: Answering Tough Questions about Infertility.
While they're all for celebrating mothers, and for remembering our own mothers, they ask worship leaders to acknowledge how Mother's Day can renew the hurt for some women who've never been mothers, single women, mothers who have lost children, and mothers whose children are not walking with the Lord.
“Worship planners should not arbitrarily acknowledge these experiences in worship services. Rather, they should make use of natural opportunities that occur in every congregation to remember those facing infertility, miscarriage, and adoption,” John Van Regenmorter suggests.
These occasions include Mother's Day, Father's Day, and holidays when families typically gather. It also makes sense to specifically mention these needs in bulletin announcements, prayers, songs, or sermons when:
- A family in the congregation adopts a child.
- The pastor plans a sermon series on parenting or family issues.
- Someone in the congregation experiences a miscarriage or infant death.
- The congregation organizes a support group for couples facing infertility or pregnancy losses.
- The congregation observes Sanctity of Human Life Sunday—a prime time to pray for women who have had an abortion as well as “courageous birth moms who have made an adoption plan for their child.”
Van Regenmorter adds, “All these provide a wonderful—and natural—opportunity for the congregation to ‘Rejoice with those who rejoice [and] mourn with those who mourn,' as Romans 12:15 says.”
PROFILE: Ron Nydam on How to Discuss Adoption Issues in Worship
Shame. Secrecy. Grace. Truth. Justice. Reconciliation. Forgiveness. These powerful emotions shape the lives of many adoptees, even as adults, says Ron Nydam, a former pastor who is now a pastoral counselor and seminary professor. In Adoptees Come of Age, he recalls being stumped by a couple who at first seemed to have a common problem: the husband was attracted to his secretary. Early on the husband had mentioned being adopted but said it was no big deal. After three months of sessions that went nowhere, Nydam realized the man's adoption was the key. According to the adoption papers, his mom was tall, had dark hair and eyes, and was 34 years old. Ditto with the secretary. “When I suggested that perhaps he wanted to return to his birth mother/secretary, awareness dawned and this 42-year-old man wept deeply and in a child's voice wondered, ‘Why didn't she love me?' ” Nydam writes. Since then, Nydam says, he has lived and breathed adoption issues. “The first thing we need to do in churches is talk about it. Get these adoption issues on the table of conversation. Normalize it. As long as you don't talk about it that's a problem,” he says.
He suggests that “we as a church redefine family so we're not so focused on the biological unit.” Churches with an Old Testament focus on bloodlines sometimes make adoptive parents wait up to a year to baptize adopted children. It's as if the congregation can't believe that a child could be part of God's covenant without a biological bond to the parents who present the child for baptism. The New Testament describes believers as heirs of God and joint-heirs with Jesus Christ. “I hinge quite a bit on the comment Jesus made from the cross to Mary and John: ‘Behold your son' and ‘Behold your mother,' ” Nydam says. Yet, even though he sees the wisdom in having the church define family more by faith or choice than by biology, Nydam warns against a crucial mistake. That mistake is trying to tell adoptees that their experience is just like the experience of any believer being adopted by God. It isn't. As Nydam explains in his book, adoptees often face unique psychological and spiritual struggles because they are adoptees. These struggles may include making peace with being adopted, forming an identity, sustaining intimacy, and wondering about (or searching for) birth parents. And that's why, as John Witvliet points out in a lecture on worship planning as a pastoral task, it can be profoundly healing when intercessory prayers include a simple, direct prayer of thanks and petition for adopted children and for parents who adopt. After all, for some people in the congregation, adoption is their most significant source of their sense of self. Nydam recommends that pastors and worship leaders use the phrase “families by birth or families by adoption,” because this phrase “normalizes the story.” They can talk about the blessing, joy, and excitement of discovering who a child is.
Churches often help keep secrets about adoption. Maybe members notice that an unmarried young woman looks pregnant. She disappears from church for awhile. When she returns, her figure restored, no one says anything about her absence, at least not to her face. Childless couples may feel stigmatized by infertility or looked down on for creating a family through adoption. Many people believe that learning about birth parents would traumatize an adopted child. Some parents choose international adoptions so birth parents can't influence children. Many states have sealed adoption records to protect the privacy of birth parents. Meanwhile, adopted children get the idea it's not okay to ask about their births. They sense their adoptive parents don't think much of their birth parents. Nydam tells of adoptees who describe themselves as “broken condoms” or “bad blood” or “not worth keeping.” “We bless the idea that love from adoptive parents is enough to bring adopted children along to maturity, as if the experience of relinquishment does not matter. It matters. Adoption is all about shame. We have to wrestle that shame to the ground and put it on the cross, where it belongs,” Nydam says. Overcoming shame starts with remembering that every adoption involves a triad—child, birth parents, adoptive parents. Nydam recently conducted a baptism of a child adopted into a family of another race. “We were very careful to also pray for the birth parents, who are from Detroit. We prayed they would handle the grief of separation. A third of birth mothers who have relinquished babies never get pregnant again. It's too painful to revisit.” Nydam challenges churches to move from worship to justice by joining legislative efforts to unseal adoption records. “It's an injustice to not know your birth parents' names, ethnic heritage, or health issues. After all, there are 4,000 genetically related diseases,” he says.
Nydam says silence doesn't erase grief. For example, where does an unwed mother go with her shame and grief? How do couples get over the pain of miscarriages or infant deaths? What do adoptive parents do with their fear of being trumped by their child's birth parents? What does an adoptee do with knowing he or she was relinquished—even if that's described as being placed for adoption and chosen by an adoptive family? “These griefs don't go away. They come back and bite you. But you can work through it. And as far as learning about or meeting birth parents, reality is always better than fantasy,” he says. One of the best ways for a church to be open to sadness is to choose worship songs that express a wide range of emotion, just as the psalms do. “It's good to praise and worship but not okay to separate that from human suffering, sadness, or anger. If people go to church and have to be happy all the time, then you're telling them there's no place for them in worship. “In fact, my colleague Carl Bosma often says that we've taken Jesus off the cross too much, because we no longer look at how he suffered with and for us. Being faithful is very, very different from singing all praise, all the time. You can't sincerely praise if you don't open your eyes to the pain and suffering that are part of life. And you cannot truly understand hope if you haven't grieved,” Nydam explains. |
Read "This Little Child from Far Away: A Prayer and a Song for the Baptisms of Adopted Children" from Reformed Worship.
Feel free to use or revise these litanies when baptizing an adopted child or marking an adoption.
Read Ron Nydam's book, Adoptees Come of Age. Book him to speak on the pastoral needs of adoptees. Listen to audio excerpts of Nydam talking about:
Bethany Christian Services offers adoption resources for churches, including many worship elements for marking an adoption or baptizing an adopted child. You might also consider these Anglican (scroll down), Catholic, Lutheran, and Reformed ideas for welcoming an adopted child in worship.
Here's how to plan services about lament or for troubled hearts or about faith that sighs and sings. You might also like these worship service or home ritual ideas to acknowledge birth parents who give a child to new parents in an open adoption, help older adopted children overcome negative messages, and annually celebrate a child's adoption day.
Consider reviewing and donating books about adoption to your church library. Gail Godwin's novel Evensong explores what it means to be a family, whether through adoption or other bonds. Evensong could also yield several anecdotes for sermons.
Read When the Cradle Is Empty: Answering Tough Questions about Infertility and find support from Stepping Stones, Bethany Christian Services' ministry to couples facing infertility and pregnancy loss.
To help adults in church education get a better grasp on adoption issues, you could:
- Watch and discuss easy-to-order Inner Compass adoption episodes on the parents' view (#304) and the child's view (#305).
- Gather a panel representing the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptees, adoptive parents), hand out one or more lists of adoption terms, and ask the panel to discuss which phrases they experience as positive or negative.
- Discuss this article about churches' insensitivity about adoption.
Browse these blogs and articles to understand
- the emotions of helping internationally adopted children reconnect with birth families
- birth mothers who have chosen open adoption (and who chose to raise children born later)
- the joy of adopting
- parents who adopt internationally
- experiences of adoptees around the world
- finding out—late in life—about your adoption
It may surprise you that though U.S. parents adopt many children from other countries, many children born in the U.S. are adopted by families in other countries. Check out surveys about Koreans who've been adopted and U.S. attitudes toward adoption.
Browse related stories on baptism and architecture, designing worship together, joy and lament in the Psalms, and seeing yourselves as God's people—together.
Feel free to print and distribute these stories at your council, worship, or education committee meeting. These questions will get members talking about how to have a healthy discussion about including adoption and related issues in worship.
- Does your church have any special worship rituals related to adoption, infertility or pregnancy loss, or entrusting a child to new parents in an open adoption? Would you like to refine or add any worship elements related to these issues?
- How often are the joys and concerns of adoptees and adoptive families mentioned in your worship services?
- What do you think about the idea that faithful worship must sometimes include sorrow, lament, and anger?
What is the best way you've found to address and talk through worship and pastoral issues related to adoption? Please write to us so we can identify trends and share your great ideas. Whether you do these or any other things, we'd love to learn what works for you:
- Did you find a resource—visual, online, printed, multimedia, or seminar—that helped your church meaningfully include adoption during worship services or adult education?
- If you have surveyed other congregations in your area or denomination regarding their outreaches related to unplanned pregnancy, infertility, or adoption, will you share the best ideas that you discovered?
- Did you ask elders or other pastoral leaders to note which members or families are affected by adoption? And, if so, what did you do next to better minister to their needs?
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This article was first published by the Calvin Institute of Christian Worship, http://www.calvin.edu/worship/stories/.