Every time my phone DOESN’T ring it’s you

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

My brother shared the above comment with me a few weeks ago.  I thought it a clever way for him to make a point. (I also took the hint). It also reminds me that this Weblog has been silent for a few months so here I am to deposit my 50 cents.

That phrase also reminds me of a recent conversation with a parent who shared his concern that he wasn’t hearing very much from his first-year student.  His son had been quite open and communicative with both mom and dad during the high school years, but once he started at Calvin the frequency and quality of their conversations had dwindled.  The few conversations they were having were marked at best by monosyllabic responses to dad’s and mom’s questions.

This dad expressed a concern that I believe resonates with other college parents:  “Am I loosing my son/daughter?  Should we be concerned?”

Although I’m not an expert on these matters, I shared that I’ve talked to many Calvin parents and this experience is not uncommon.  Here are a few points we discussed:

- Recognize that your student has less time for parents and family, at least initially.  There are an inordinate number of opportunities pulling at their time: studies, papers, exams, part time jobs, athletics, lectures, concerts, connecting with old friends, exploring new friendships, dating, and so on.  Young adults are learning to balance their own time and commitments and simply have less time to share with mom and dad.

- Students commonly take the first year or two of college to find their own “space” apart from parents and family.  Whether done intentionally or not, many students set limits on the amount of time and contacts that they initiate with parents during this period.  The degree to which this occurs, of course, varies with each student and family situation.  In the midst of this process parents might experience a sense of loss or separation from their student.  Don’t be overly alarmed about “loosing” your son or daughter—your experience is not uncommon and your student’s self-imposed “distance” is probably just another sign of growing-up—a process that you want to encourage.

- As college begins, many students already feel quite safe and secure in their relationship with parents, but less so with their new college environment.  Some students may fall back on the security of knowing that “mom and dad will always be there for me.” As they explore and venture into new situations, many feel so secure in the parent-child relationship that they give themselves permission to remain somewhat distant from parents and home, at least for a time.  Parents might consider viewing this phenomenon positively and take it as a compliment to the strength of the relationship with your son or daughter.

- Many parents report that the pendulum “swings back” in mom and dad’s direction after the first year or two of college.  By this time students have had a chance to carve out that new “space” and are more secure in their new environment. 

- Many parents also report another phenomenon: that as the pendulum swings back they relate to their son or daughter now more as mutual friends than as parent to child! The reasons for this are many, but again, it is a fairly common experience and part of the process of watching your student grow and mature while your relationship with your student does the same.

Let me conclude with a few additional suggestions:

- Find a pattern, comfortable for you and your student, in the frequency of contacts you initiate. Discuss this with your student--get their input on when and how often.

- When you chat be mindful to not ask too many questions.  Some college students tire of that quickly and may interpret it as prying or invasive.  Learn to respect their need for space and independence. Instead of asking a lot of questions, share things happening in your world and at home.  That may open the lines of communication a bit more, “prime the pump,” and encourage your student to volunteer more about what is happening in his/her world.

- Though they may not admit it, students do enjoy hearing about the normal, routine news from home.  Consider your letter or e-mail as a newsletter from home and report on cute things younger siblings have said or done, other family news, church news, etc.

- Continue to pray for your sons and daughters; it’s your most important job as a parent.  God is faithful.  Although your role as a parent is continually changing, the important position that you play now and will continue to play in the lives of your sons and daughters will also continue to grow into a richer, meaningful relationship as adult-to-adult.

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