Saturday, February 28, 2009

recruit me. no, really: recruit me.

Dear Department of Literature Appreciation,

You must have received my application for your police/enforcement division, and I am begging you to process it quickly, as I have an arrest I need to make.

On Thursday, I went to the library to retrieve a stack of books I had ordered. (You see! I love inter-library loan, I love it. I would be so perfect for your department—you just have no idea what you’re missing.) Amidst them was Joanne Harris‘s book Chocolat. (Perfect reading for Lent, yes? I thought so.)

The girl at the library—they pay her, for goodness’ sake!!—looks at the book and looks at me. “Have you seen this movie?” she asks, pushing up her glasses.

“Yes,” I say.

She shakes her head. “I could never read a book after I’ve seen the movie for something. I mean—I already know what happens.” She slides my stack of books back toward open-mouthed me. “Due back in two weeks!” she says brightly.

Where was my badge? Where were my handcuffs? Why on earth is she still working at the library?

I wanted to grab her by the lapels and say “Listen, Sugarplum. Knowing what happens? That’s not the only reason to read a book. I promise you.” Too bad for her that Joanne Harris is a brilliant writer. I love Juliette Binoche and Johnny Depp, I do, but books are always different from movies. So, library girl, if you’re reading this: you missed out. And I think you’re a dangerous person to have working at the library.

(And there’s another girl to share library girl’s cell, after I get my badge: someone in my short-story writing class, no less! We were assigned a short story to read. This girl turns to me and says “Enh, I’m not reading this. I’ve already seen the movie that was based on it.” Wow. Maybe you shouldn’t be in this class, actually.)

That’s like skipping over a master artist’s painting of his wife by saying “Actually, I’ve seen a photo of her already. Don’t need to see the painting.” Oh yes. Yes you do.

After I sentence you to three years of mandatory art appreciation classes. You’ll be memorizing that painting. After you finish the shelf of books I’ve assigned.—jl

Posted by Jenn Langefeld on 02/28 at 01:51 PM
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