Friday, December 02, 2005
Aaah! Talking Elephants!
Overseas in Kenya, zookeepers have noticed something about their elephant, Mlaika, which has never before been heard from an animal: it can make noises. (R) This breakthrough observation is very important because it solves a problem that scientists have been working on for years. That problem is our difficulty in communicating with elephants. (R) These mammals obviously have a great deal of intelligence; just look at the size of their heads! Zoologists have spent countless man hours studying these complex creatures and their amazing actions. (R) An elephant is able to eat, drink and even swat away annoying flies with a flick of its tail! (E) Now that we have broken the communication barrier, humans must begin mimicking the actions of this amazing creature. (E) Also, in order to obtain a society like that of the elephants, we should begin by modeling our lives after theirs. (E) We must learn how they walk on all fours, eat so much, and get such big feet. (E) Only after we have achieved these things can we say that human society is the most advanced. (E) It is hard enough now to go through a day knowing that the elephants have tusks and us humans are stuck with the most advanced brains in God’s creation. (E) Leave it to God’s chosen people to get the short end of the stick. (E)
This is a very frightening discovery, but not as frightening as the fact that this Dr. Poole has been studying elephant communication for nearly two decades. (R) Instead of dedicating his life to something that could actually help mankind, such as cancer research, this man decided to devote himself to studying elephant noises. (E) It is very difficult to imagine how much education is required to get this job. (E) Dr. Poole must have spent numerous years at the elephant exhibit at the zoo with a blank gaze on his face. (R) This man must truly love elephants if he is willing to spend eight hours a day listening to their grunts and screams. (E) Exactly how does one decide what the elephant is actually saying anyway? It seems as if Dr. Poole could go to the beach everyday and completely make his research up in ten minutes. (E) With such an invigorating job listening to elephants all day, I would find it hard to believe if he ever fell asleep on the job. (E) I know I wouldn’t be able to; I would be too consumed with the various types of intriguing grunts an elephant can produce. (R)
Americans can now sleep soundly at night; we are one step closer to communicating with elephants. (R) The dreams of our ancestors will soon be a reality. (E) I can already see the next new hot Christmas gift: a brand new elephant-human translator. (E) It’s too bad that children with this great toy will need to spend an additional six dollars in order to actually get close to a real elephant at the zoo. I know I cannot wait to get mine so I can ask the elephants how they do all those sweet tricks in the circus. (R)