Everything you will ever need to know about the 2012 election

File photo.
File photo.

When I think about the 2012 presidential election, I must confess: I get a little queasy. I feel like I should vote, but I know little of the two candidates. I think my uncle told me that Obama is a communist? Apparently Romney wears secret Mormon underwear?

So maybe Romney does wear space undies. Maybe Obama really is a Kenyan insurgent working to topple the free world. But how do Romney’s cotton bottoms and Obama’s dad fit into what happens in my life?

Since I had so little knowledge of politics and so many urges toward altruism, I dug, and, oh did I relish what I discovered. If you aspire to cast any kind of informed vote, look no further. You have found the answers. Lay down your weary head.

On waffles:
Obama — “Why can’t I just eat my waffle?”
Romney — Is a waffler or flip-flopper (see: minimum wage, abortion, healthcare, immigration, and anti-union law)

On airplanes:
Obama — Switches Air Force One American flag with his own campaign emblem and slogan. (Information found via email forward from father’s friend, subject title “IT’S NOT OBAMA’S!!)
Romney — “When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, there’s no — and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous.”

On sunshine:
Obama — “How’s it going Sunshine?” in an address to Sunrise, FL.
Romney — “Syria, what’s happening in Syria, is a ray of sunshine,” in response to the Syrian civil war.

On Nancy Reagan:
Obama — ”I didn’t want to get into a Nancy Reagan thing about doing any seances.”
Romney — Has Nancy Reagan serve him lemonade and cookies.

On Olympics:
Obama — “No, no. I have been practicing … I bowled a 129. It’s like — it was like Special Olympics, or something.”
Romney — “It’s hard to know just how well [the 2012 London Olympics] will turn out. There are a few things that were disconcerting. The stories about the private security firm not having enough people, the supposed strike of the immigration and customs officials, that obviously is not something which is encouraging.” Insulting Britain on the eve of the 2012 London Summer Olympics.

On questions:
Obama — “Come on! I just answered, like, eight questions.”
Romney — “Well, the question is kind of a non sequitur, if you will. And what I mean by that — or a null set.” When asked if the decision to invade Iraq was a mistake.

On the army:
Obama — “On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes — and I see many of them in the audience here today — our sense of patriotism is particularly strong.”
Romney — Was too important to go to Vietnam.

On insulting others:
Obama — “I want to make mention that this is our first meeting since the arrival of the newest Sarkozy, and so I want to congratulate Nicolas and Carla on the birth of Giulia … And I informed Nicolas on the way in that I am confident that Giulia inherited her mother’s looks rather than her father’s, which I think is an excellent thing.”
Romney — “There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. … My job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.”

On Big Bird:
Obama — Focuses campaign ad on Big Bird instead of failing GDP, Libya or anything else important.
Romney — “I like PBS. I love Big Bird. I actually like you, too.”

On Oprah:
Obama — “Three words:  Vice President Oprah.”
Romney —  We can safely assume Mitt loves the woman.

On childhood:
Obama — “Who is Barack Obama? Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father Jor-El to save the Planet Earth. Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for ‘That One.’ And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn’t think I’d ever run for president. If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it’s possible that I’m a little too awesome.”
Romney — “I purchased a gun when I was a young man. I’ve been a hunter pretty much all my life.” (He later confessed to hunting twice in his whole life.)

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