The Newsletter of The History Department of Calvin College

Summer 2007

Newsletter Index

Doug Howard's final end-of-the-year Party Speech

This year is the end of an 'era' as Doug Howard is finishing his final run as chair of the History Department. This summer William Van Vugt will be taking over in his first turn as the chair. Here, in its entirety, is Doug's final speech given at the History Majors end-of-the-year party on May 9.

This is the time of year when I usually recite a silly poem or make a humorous speech skewering my colleagues. This year is different, however. I have peered into my crystal ball and have seen all things.

My crystal ball has let me see all of you ten years from now.

My crystal ball sees Professor Dan Bays, ten years from now. As his way of coping with the recent events, Professor Bays has requested his record-setting eleventh consecutive sabbatical. He is well known now to fans of late-night cable television, where he hosts a nationally syndicated book shopping show called Dan’s Deals.

Professor Bruce Berglund is starring in a remake of the Ben Stiller classic, called Zoolander Does Prague. He has been the dominant male model in the industry for three years thanks to his patented “look,” Slavic Silk. He is not a communist.

Having completed his Memoirs of an Educator or, Bureaucracies I have known, Professor Robert Schoone-Jongen is now working on volume three of his Brief History of the Minnesota Twins. He is widely believed to be in possession of a laptop full of notes concerning the recent campus events.

Professor Will Van Arragon has forgiven us for not giving him a job, but he is deeply disappointed that he was forced to read of the recent events on MLive. The only way he has found to come back to Grand Rapids is as a delegate to Synod.

As a protest against the former regime of President Susan Byker, three years ago Professor Kate van Liere began teaching for several departments, using several languages. She teaches the History of Spain in Dutch, the History of the Netherlands in Spanish, and the History of History entirely in Pig Latin.

Professor Bert de Vries has published more of the startling results of his ongoing research on the connections between al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein. Using a newly available telepathic database, he can now definitively prove that each actually did think of the other, and within months. The research is forthcoming in Journal of Irreproducible Results.

Longtime beloved chair of the department William Van Vugt has unfortunately had his candidacy for Chair for Life cast into doubt by his admission in an interview with NPR that actually it was him on the Grassy Knoll.

Department Assistant Sarah Van Timmeren remains behind bars for contempt of court for refusing to testify concerning her part in the recent events. Day to day business in the department has come to a grinding halt, and former department chair Doug Howard is completely paralyzed, unable to accomplish anything.

Recent winner of the annual award for most nurturing faculty member, Professor Kristin Du Mez has finished her ground breaking study of women in Chick Tracts, and is now hard at work on the comic book version of the recent college unrest.

Professor Young Kim continues his work on the subversive project of restoring the sensational recordings of late antique hip hop uncovered during excavations of the commons lawn after the recent events.

Professor David “Sigmund” Diephouse seems to have recovered from the embarrassing raid of his office by Campus Security. The only toxic substances found were indeed tea leaves, as he had pleaded all along, and several ironic memos directed at former college President Susan Byker.

In my crystal ball, several faculty members have just returned from one of their faithful visits to former Professor James Bratt, who was confined to Pine Rest several months ago. He inexplicably began hiccupping uncontrollably when offered the endowed chair in American Religious History, known popularly as the Prince’s Throne.

After hosting John Calvin’s 500th birthday, Professor Karin Maag was about to be elected the next president of Calvin College when it was revealed that she was in fact the reincarnation of John Calvin. She was promptly hailed as rightful President of the College by a group calling itself Haqqallah (Divine Right).

Educational Policy Committee is investigating Professor Eric Washington, following the publication in Chimes of the syllabus of his course, HIST 666, called “Power to the People, Right On.” The final course project, to stage a successful revolution, unexpectedly led to regime change in Spoelhof Center.

Former college chaplain Frans van Liere, fondly remembered for the vow of silence that he took while serving in that role, so impressed the administration of President Karin Maag that he has been appointed to oversee Student Senate elections as a Silent Observer.

My crystal ball reveals Professor Will Katerberg, who has taken a leave of absence from his position as Vice President of CalvinWest, the branch campus in Cody, Wyoming, where he had been exiled for his role in the ouster of aging President Susan Byker. Professor Katerberg announced that he was requesting an extended leave because he has joined the National Professional Rodeo circuit.

After leading the fight against the reinstatement of the genuine draft, Professor Daniel Miller is now living the high life, retired on the profits of his patented invention of a low-intensity bulb for faculty offices, the Miller light.

The department is truly grateful for the role played by Professor Tibebe Eshete in bringing the entire Ethiopian National Guard to Calvin College. Without this, the department would have lost the Battle of Commons Lawn, and no doubt would have ceased to exist.

My crystal ball sees Professor Randal Jelks, ten years from now. Professor Jelks recently announced that he had accepted an offer that hopefully will restore peace between Spoelhof Center and Hiemenga Hall. Jelks will return to Calvin as the inaugural holder of the Gaylen Byker Chair for the Study of Radical Christianity.

And in my crystal ball I also saw you, our graduates.

You were all gainfully employed.

Except for the twelve percent of you who still lived with your mothers.

Even they reported that you had made progress, however. You’ve been doing pretty good at cleaning up your room.

14.7 percent of you had paid off your school loans.

Forty percent of you were teaching.

Ninety percent of you were not in the same job you got when you left Calvin.

None of your employers cared what your GPA had been.

Most of your employers did not care that you had majored in history. (We still cared.)

All of your employers knew it was significant that you had a degree from Calvin College.

We, your teachers, were proud of you.

We wished we had told you that more often.

We were glad that at least on one day, at the end of the year, we had taken the time to do that, and we hoped that for once you listened to us.

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