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The Wandering Cheese

by "One Who Was There"

Good pranks require time, planning, hard work and some luck. Perhaps no group in Calvin's history was more dedicated to pranking than FNS, a clandestine organization dedicated to the sport of adventure that was active on the Calvin Campus from 1987 through 1992. The parameters guiding FNS activities were:

1. No suspension

2. No jail time

3. No death

FNS avoided injuring or demeaning any person or organization, and was strongly against vandalism and property damage. The letters F-N-S had a private meaning, but we told curious non-members it meant "French Nationalist Society." Occasionally, the Ringleader would post announcements of upcoming meetings in the campus bulletin under that name. FNS offices were the Ringleader, Enforcer and Reservist. I held the Ringleader's job, which involved organizing, planning, leading and taking responsibility for the group. The Enforcer's job was to provide muscle, but the occasion for it never came up. Conspirator II invented the position and appointed himself to the post. Last was the Reservist, whose job was to tell the Ringleader everything that could go wrong and how much trouble we were going to get in. Conspirator III filled this indispensable role. There were other members as well. Their backgrounds and majors were varied, but many were also members of the Calvin Adventure Club. Numerous others participated to some degree as well.

FNS carried out one major prank a year. The list of our major pranks includes:

1. Godzilla Storms the Chapel : Inflatable Godzilla on the Chapel steeple.

2. Say Cheese: "Jonah in the Whale" Sculpture on the Science Building.

3. Imitation Cheese: "Jonah in the Whale" Replica on the Science Building dome.

4. Chapel Cheese: "Jonah in the Whale" Sculpture hanging inside the Chapel.

Prank 1: Godzilla Storms the Chapel

May 8, 1989, approximately 4:00 a.m.

5 members, $25 budget

Godzilla on the Chapel was the first of the FNS end-of-the-year pranks. It was the product of a brainstorming session which spawned the idea of putting an inflatable King Kong on the Chapel steeple. We could not find an inflatable King Kong, so a $25, six-foot, inflatable Godzilla purchased at a local toy store was used instead.

The prank went down around 4:00 a.m., when our inside man on Security was on duty. The plan was simple: our Security contact would unlock the Chapel, we would climb the catwalks to the roof, inflate the Godzilla, and tie it to the steeple.

Inflating the Godzilla was challenging. We brought along a bicycle pump and Fix-A-Flat in a can. The Fix-A-Flat sprayed a foamy material and filled perhaps 5% of the Godzilla. The bicycle pump didn't work much better, since we couldn't get a good seal. We resorted to lungpower, blowing till each of us got light-headed before passing the nozzle on to the next person. We climbed the steeple and secured Godzilla to the spire with twine, taking pictures all the while. In hindsight, it's surprising that Security did not notice the camera flashes.

The next morning we got up at sunrise for more pictures. From the courtyard, Godzilla looked tiny in comparison to the steeple (which is much taller than one would imagine) but he was recognizable. We went back before 8:00 a.m. classes and watched people's reactions. The prank didn't last long, however. Around 8:10 a.m. Maintenance climbed the steeple and cut Godzilla down. As it turned out, though, the Grand Rapids Press showed up (we have no idea who called them) and Godzilla got his picture in the evening edition. The Press suggested it was the work of Dinomania fans (a dinosaur exhibit coincidentally on display at the Grand Rapids Public Museum that weekend) or a clever prank by someone in the senior class (we were all sophomores).

The prank was a success. To our knowledge, no one got upset or angry over it and Administration didn't go on the warpath in search of the perpetrators.

Prank 2: Say Cheese

May 2, 1990, approximately 3:00 a.m.

17 members, $50 budget

The prank began with everyone synchronizing their watches. Then the roof crew and ground crew left our Theta apartment on foot across campus to get into position. The roof crew scaled the exterior of the Science Building while the ground crew hid in the bushes on the Cheese side of the building. Climbing the Science Building involves standing on a trashcan and lifting oneself up to the first level above the front entrance. Next comes a two-story chimney climb in which one must jam in with one's feet and back between two walls and shimmy up several inches at a time. The rest is simply a matter of lifting oneself up over a series of levels to the roof.

The roof crew set up the climbing gear. We attached webbing (flat nylon strands similar to car seat belt material) around the base of the large AC units as an anchor. Three climbing ropes were used in a standard rock climber's belay rigging. Meanwhile the diversion crew was at work in the Nature Preserve. They arranged empty beer cans, a Playboy magazine, and a small battery-powered radio blaring rock music. It looked as if a partying group of guys had just fled.

At the appointed time, the diversion crew called Security. The concerned female student said she had been in the East Beltline parking lot and noticed a band of male students making lots of noise, possibly drunk, entering the Nature Preserve. From the Science Building rooftop we waited patiently for the go signal from our inside man on Security. As the two guards left for the Nature Preserve, one officer pretended to play around with his flashlight, flooding the wall of the library with its light. That was our signal.

As Security sped away, the roof crew tossed the ropes over the side of the Science Building and the ground crew headed for the Cheese. They unbolted the Cheese in the pitch dark. During the previous night, we had loosened the nuts holding down the Cheese and disconnected the lights in the area. The ground crew lifted the Cheese from its platform, carried it over to the Science Building, and laid it flat on the ground over a pre-tied webbing harness. They tied the Cheese to the harness, and attached climbing ropes with climber's carabiners.

A blinking signal from a small pen light flashlight signaled to the roof crew that they could start pulling. The roof crew consisted of six members ­ 3 pullers and 3 belayers. The pullers grabbed the ropes at the edge of the roof and walked backwards, pulling in unison until they reached the belayer. The belayers meanwhile pulled in the slack rope, then locked off the rope allowing the pullers to let go and walk to the edge of the roof for another pull.

To protect the ropes from the sharp edge of the roof line, we invented a device nicknamed "the cannon." When carried on the shoulder it looked like a bazooka cannon. It was built from two six-foot 2x6's attached length-wise at a 90 degree angle, with a smooth pipe at the angle. The cannon fit over the edge of the Science Building roof and the climbing ropes ran over the pipe, allowing them to slide freely without damage. As a precaution, another rope was attached to the Cheese and left to dangle to the ground. The ground crew manned this rope to steady the Cheese as it was hoisted up, preventing it from swinging into the large Science Building windows.

When the pullers noticed the red warning flags attached to the climbing ropes come over the roof edge, they knew that the Cheese had reached the top. The belayers then locked off the ropes and the Cheese was shifted gradually along the roofline until it was directly over one of the upper ledges of the Science Building. It was then gently lowered to the ledge, untied, and placed upright in its final position. Guy wires were attached to the Cheese and anchored to a roof drain grate in the unlikely event that a stiff wind might blow it over the edge.

Next, we placed a wooden barricade (measured and built previously) against the rooftop doorway to the observatory deck to hinder the removal of the Cheese in the morning. All that was left was to pack up our gear, climb back down and steal into the night. The hoisting operation took about 20 minutes. Security passed the time seeking nonexistent miscreants in the Nature Preserve.

The next day we were pleased that the Cheese stayed on its pedestal until mid-day. We watched as Security and Maintenance lowered the Cheese with a single fat rope, with nothing but bare hands and a good grip preventing the Cheese from careening to the ground. They got it down safely and bolted it back into its usual position, safe until next year at least.

Prank 3: Imitation Cheese

Spring 1991, approximately 4:00 a.m.

8 members, $200 budget

The Imitation Cheese prank was to be the greatest ever. The plan was to build an exact replica of the Cheese out of lightweight materials, shish kabob it on top of the chapel spire, and hide the original Cheese so the everyone would think the real one was up there. The imitation was designed in two pieces hinged together and closed with a clamp. We could open up the fake cheese and then clamp it around the steeple without having to lift it over the top of the spike.

The planning and preparation began many months ahead of time. First, late one night in the dead of winter we made a full size tracing of the Cheese on large sheets of paper and chipped off small paint samples from the underside. Next came a trip to the hardware store for materials. We purchased wood, chicken wire, and bright orange, yellow, and blue paint matched against our paint samples. The flat faces of the cheese were cut from 1/4 inch, 4x8 plywood sheets and were attached to a skeleton frame made from slender boards. We wrapped chicken wire over the curvy sides and covered it with wallpaper and duct tape for a smooth, finished appearance.

We built it in the garage of my grandparents' condo (unknown to them) while they were away in Florida for the winter. When questioned by the curious neighbors about our activities, we replied that we were building a sculpture for our art class at Calvin. Later the fake cheese was moved to a small barn owned by the parents of one of our members for painting and finishing touches. Construction took several months and many, many hours of work. Total cost came to around $200.

When completed, the whole thing weighed perhaps 30-40 pounds and from a distance looked exactly like the real thing. The final step was to design a unique barricade device. The Godzilla prank two years earlier taught us that a prank must be difficult to dismantle to enjoy maximum exposure. Thus, we created a device to barricade the trap door to the roof of the chapel behind us. The device contained a timer connected to an electrical motor that pulled out the locking pin that held the door secured. We planned to leave a note informing Calvin officials that the timer device would unlock the door at noon. The device worked flawlessly in our tests.

The day before, with all preparations concluded, we heard dreadful news. The real Cheese sculpture had been removed by Calvin Maintenance. Our inside man on Security informed us that his master key no longer opened the trap door to the roof of the Chapel. We searched the buildings on campus and located the real Cheese hidden in a backroom of the Maintenance Building. Taped to the Cheese was a note that anyone moving it would be fined $2000+. Someone had overheard one of our planning sessions and squealed to Calvin officials. They knew most of the details of our prank, except for the fact that we planned to put a fake cheese on the Chapel and hide the real one.

Determined to use our fake cheese anyway, we shifted gears and decided to put it on top of the Science Building dome instead. Before proceeding, we did a late-night reconnaissance mission to measure the dome and plan how the fake cheese could be perched securely on that rounded roof. We came up with a wooden platform design that fit snugly over the dome and provided a flat, sturdy foundation.

The execution of the prank proved much simpler than our previous pranks. The fake cheese, covered with black blankets in the back of a pickup truck, was quietly driven onto to campus and parked in the Science Building loading dock. The waiting roof crew quickly hauled up the lightweight cheese and its platform using only one rope and no special rigging. The cheese was then bolted to its platform and ropes were attached. Half of the roof crew lifted and pushed the cheese up from the front side of the dome while the other half pulled on the ropes from the back side. When it was perched at the very top, we tied down the platform.

As a finishing touch, we hung a large portrait of John Calvin over the edge of the Science Building. His finger, pointing to the words "Say Cheese" announced the prank to the student body as they arrived for classes that morning.

Prank 4: Chapel Cheese

Spring 1992, approximately 4:00 a.m.

9 members, $40 budget

The biggest challenge of the Chapel Cheese prank was figuring out how to get the large sculpture in the building in the first place. At first glance it looked impossible and nearly caused us to abandon the idea. How could a nearly 8-foot sculpture be made to fit though the less than 7-foot Chapel doors? The obvious solution was to tip the Cheese diagonally to make it fit. However, removing the center post between the front doors would have caused permanent damage to the Chapel and was out of the question.

After sleeping on the problem, one of our engineering members had a brainstorm. The underside of the Cheese curves inward, creating an indent of greater than one foot. If the Cheese is flipped upside down, the height to the lowest point of this indent is less than that of the Chapel doors, with room to spare. We could tip the Cheese forward such that the tall forefront tucked under the upper door jamb. Working it slowly forward, gradually rotating the Cheese as we went, the indented curve would fit neatly under the door jamb and eventually the whole thing could make it through.

We had to be sure the Chapel roof could support the weight (the Cheese weighs about 400 pounds). After obtaining the original design plans, we concluded that the steel beams of the catwalks were capable of supporting the weight of the Cheese plus the crew of pranksters required to hoist it up there. We also found the light controls. After a quick late-night mission to loosen the nuts holding down the Cheese, all plans were complete.

An extra degree of risk accompanied this prank. This time neither of the two-man Security crew on duty that night was a secret supporter of our nocturnal activities. As it turned out, the risky outdoor portion of the prank went quickly and without incident. At around 4:00 a.m., our eight man crew lifted the Cheese from its pedestal, laid it flat on four 2x4's that would serve as carrying poles (two men to a pole), and hustled it up to the Chapel entrance doors. Meanwhile, a ninth member of our group videotaped our adventure. With the terrace lights disabled, darkness covered our activity as we worked the Cheese through the front doors of the Chapel as planned.

Once inside we turned on the sanctuary lights, which could not be easily seen from the outside, moved the pulpit and laid the Cheese down in its place. We hoisted it up to the Chapel ceiling using the same climber's rigging we had used two years earlier. Once the Cheese reached the top, it was tied to the steel beams of the catwalks with climber's webbing and left to hang, bright orange side facing down.

The next morning chapel went on as scheduled with the Cheese adorning the ceiling high above, directly over the chaplain's head. The only lamentable aspect of the prank was that condensation dripping from the Cheese caused some damage to the pulpit Bible, the only time during our history when we failed to foresee a harmful side effect. Professor Robin Jensen, the Cheese's maker, seems to have been amused by the whole affair, and has a collection of photographs showing his itinerant artwork in various locales.